I had a reminder this past week of how incredibly precious and important it is to have access to feeling how you want to feel.
What happened is this: an interaction that threw me off course and triggered a post-traumatic stress response. While the incident itself wasn’t tragic and simply an opportunity for improving boundaries, I am reminded me what my life used to feel like every single day, when my marriage went bad.
It felt at times like hell on earth for me and my children. I endured because it was incremental, because it wasn’t as bad as some others have it (it really wasn’t, but it was bad enough that it should have ended long before it did), because he had issues I had compassion for, and ultimately because (I believed and it was true on some level for a time) I had no other choice.
In retrospect, here’s what I want to say to myself: “I understand why you stayed, but taking the leap to freedom is the absolute best thing you will ever do. In unexpected ways the path will open. Protect your tenderness and your children. Keep focused on freedom. Your life and these years of your life – of your children’s lives – are valuable.”
I am reminded I am not going back. Patterns of control and abuse are hard to break, particularly when it isn’t possible to block contact altogether. Mostly, my kids and I are doing great these days. We have carved out for ourselves space. I have strong boundaries, and increasing freedom.
But holding the boundaries and access is still to some degree a work in progress. The patterns of abuse don’t change, the outbursts followed by the ‘honeymoon’. What does change is how I recognise what I am seeing, and how I hold myself.
This week has reminded me that my most precious asset is how I feel, and that it is worth protecting for my children as well as for me.
This quote says it all to me:
“What old world healers have known, science is now proving. Our emotions lead our biology — having a profound effect on our heart rhythms, brain chemistry, and the myriad of systems they control. Stress brings chaos in the heart, positivity brings calm and steadiness. When we “think” with our hearts, we build our lives from a cellular level. It’s the ultimate self-agency — and it generates what we’re all wanting: joy, peace, and ultimately, a more loving world.” -Danielle LaPorte
So I’ve been calling myself back, clearing the old patterns once more, healing. I have had to stop to do this work, to give it the time and space it needs. That’s frustrating, but a good reminder.
One of the tools I’ve been using is Danielle LaPorte’s Heart Centering Practice. I’m going to share it in our Community group soon.
It will be part of the new online Desire Map experience launching this month, which will be FREE to access for the first 9 days. The Desire Map altered the fabric of my existence in profound and enduring ways, it is still one of the tools I return to every day to hold the balance. You can get access here – please do come join us, you won’t regret it.